Written by Mateja Švetak, psychodynamic psychotherapist
Our Attitude Toward Death
Each person faces death and the loss of loved ones differently, whether the loss is sudden or expected. Such an experience inevitably carries deep pain, sadness, fear, and loneliness. It is impossible to know in advance how we will experience such moments, and even harder to predict how others might feel. How we react in these difficult times is closely related to our attitude towards death, whether and how we imagine an afterlife, how death and dying were presented to us as children, the age at which we encounter such loss, the nature of our relationship with the deceased, and how involved we were in caring for the dying person, whether the death was anticipated or sudden, and many other factors.Dealing with Various Emotions, Thoughts, and Behaviors
In the face of loss, we encounter various emotions, behaviors, and physical sensations. Some we are aware of, accept, and express, while others we may wish to hide or they occur without our control, surprising us or unfolding on an unconscious level. Emotionally, in addition to sadness, we may feel powerlessness, uncertainty, anger, guilt, shame, abandonment, loneliness, loss of meaning, and many other emotions.Behaviorally, we might experience eating disorders or substance abuse, withdrawal into isolation, aggression, a need for constant companionship, or excessive activity.
Physically, our bodies respond with various symptoms to the loss of a loved one and the accompanying stress, which may manifest as headaches, digestive problems, sleep disturbances, changes in heart rhythm, trembling, difficulty breathing, and similar issues. Sometimes we experience confusion, familiar and unfamiliar emotions, acceptable and unacceptable thoughts, and questions like "why...". We encounter both known and unknown bodily reactions. Thus, we experience changes on multiple levels—emotional, mental, behavioral, and physical. Each person experiences emotions and feelings with varying intensity and over different periods, needing different amounts of space and time to process and come to terms with the loss, as everyone faces life and death in their own way. It is crucial to understand that all these emotions, feelings, thoughts, and experiences are completely normal. They appear, stay for a while, and then fade. Over time, they become less intense and less threatening.
Stages of Grieving
How long we will grieve, which stages of grief we will go through, how long they will last, and their intensity vary from person to person. Grieving is always individual, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. However, grieving often progresses through the following stages, though not necessarily in this order (according to Kübler-Ross):1. Shock: This typically occurs when a person first receives the news of someone’s death. It is a period of immediate distress where the person may not fully understand what is happening and often feels out of control. This is a protective phase that can last hours or even weeks.
2. Denial: This often appears alongside shock. The person consciously or unconsciously rejects the facts, information, or reality, responding with statements like, "They must be wrong. This isn’t true." It is a very natural and common defense mechanism where people cope with situations by not acknowledging or ignoring them.
3. Anger: This involves questioning why it happened or who is to blame. Anger can be directed inwardly, such as blaming oneself for not preventing the death, or outwardly, such as being angry at the surroundings, doctors, or even the deceased.
4. Bargaining: This phase connects us to something we believe in, be it God, ourselves, or others, seeking one more chance. It involves trying to find compromises.
5. Sadness: This emotion indicates that we have started to accept reality. We confront the pain and the reality of loss, often accompanied by feelings of uncertainty, fear, guilt, and regret. Sadness can sometimes lead to depression, a lack of energy, and a diminished ability to see meaning in the future. Changes are often most visible outwardly in changes in behavior and can last a long time, even years.
6. Acceptance: This phase involves a gradual return to normal life. We come to terms with the fact that the deceased is physically no longer with us and that life goes on. Energy returns, involvement in activities resumes, appetite stabilizes, and interests reappear.
Grieving Requires Space and Time
There is no best way to grieve quickly and easily. Understanding that we are not alone in this experience, that everything we feel and think is part of the grieving process, that others also grieve similarly, and that we are not excluded from society because of it can be very liberating. Grieving is a unique process that requires its own time for each individual. Unfortunately, many people grieve alone because it may be too difficult to share their story and feelings with others or because they do not want to be a burden. Some turn to reading about grief, excessive activity to avoid feelings, or withdrawal from society. However, grief does not simply disappear; it needs its space and, most importantly, its time. We cannot predict how long grieving will last, but it is important for all of us to allow ourselves to confront all the emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations that arise.When Grieving Prevents Moving Forward
During the grieving process, it is important to find support points that help us through it. This could be our environment, family, friends, our own sources of strength, the realization that we are not alone in grieving and experiencing the pain of losing loved ones, communication, and being heard and accepted in all that we are going through. However, sometimes individuals lack support from their immediate surroundings or get stuck at a certain point from which they cannot or do not know how to move forward, causing the grieving process to hinder or prolong their ability to live and engage in society. In such cases, it is advisable to seek professional help from a psychotherapist or a support group for grief. Therapeutic relationships and support groups can provide a safe space and enough time for each person to experience and accept their loss at their own pace. In such settings, every story is heard, and each person’s emotions and experiences are accepted without judgment. Through conversation or simply listening to others, we realize that we are not alone on this path. We connect with people who face similar feelings of anxiety, sadness, anger, fear, loneliness, abandonment, as well as relief, love, confusion, and various thoughts, both negative and positive, and a range of physical responses from pain to other health issues that arise with grieving. Both the grieving individuals and those who support them in times of painful loss can do the most by accepting everything that is happening and giving grieving enough time and space, whether it is a month, a year, or a longer period.With death, the physical contact with the deceased ends, but this does not mean that the relationship with that cherished and loved person ends as well. Nor does it mean that our life has ended. We can accept this life experience and move forward in our personal growth as individuals. So take the time to grieve, take care of yourself and your feelings, but do not forget to live.