Nataša Bernik, a psychotherapy intern, debunks the myth that happy people don't deal with conflicts.
4 Behaviors That Undermine Connection in Relationships
Sometimes we express our bad mood and impatience through criticism, but this only does us a "disservice," as it drives the other person away and further distances us.When this happens repeatedly, our partner may protect themselves from attacks by building a "wall" of silence. The more we complain, the further apart we become.
If both sides cannot take responsibility for their actions and feelings, and when too much unspoken contempt begins to undermine the foundation of the relationship, we can feel unheard, disrespected, and unworthy.
In such a relationship, trust is broken, alienation and loneliness set in. Distrust makes us vulnerable in relationships, leading us to turn to and connect with people outside the relationship, which can potentially lead to infidelity.
How do we Build a High Level of Trust?
Trust can be seen as built from various components and is not given but built or broken. Trust is not a belief but an action. Brené Brown, a researcher on shame, compares trust to a jar of marbles; positive actions add marbles to the jar, while actions of distrust, disrespect, or betrayal can break the jar.There are four ways to build trust:
- Strive for a Positive Outcome for Both Persons Involved: Aim for conflicts to have a positive outcome for both parties, as this provides greater stability in the relationship.
- Be Honest: Say "yes" or "no" when you mean it and feel it. This way, you are authentic and show that you take yourself and others seriously.
- Clearly Communicate Your Needs: Tell your partner what you want so that your needs can be met.
- Be Compassionate: Turn to your partner with empathy (without judgment, condemnation, or analysis) and be there for them when they need you. This shows you care about them and, consequently, about your relationship.
The Myth That Happy People Live Without Conflicts
If you're someone who hates conflicts and believes they only exist in bad relationships, then beware. Conflicts are an inevitable, necessary, and natural part of ALL relationships including the relationship within ourselves. The key to happy relationships is not to eliminate conflicts but to learn how to handle them.And remember, two different perspectives on the same situation do not mean one is right and the other wrong, but rather that they come from different life circumstances and thus experience the same event differently.
Relationship therapist John Gottman says: "Accept that most problems in a partnership will never be fully resolved."
Skills Needed for Successful Conflict Resolution
1. Use a Gentle Approach: Conversations usually end with the same tone they start with, so begin softly and without blame. Start sentences with "I feel..."; "For me, this situation..."; "When you do... (this and that), I feel...". Describe the facts and be respectful.
2. Listen to the Other Person's Perspective: Repeated conflicts often hide unspoken feelings, desires, or dreams. First, clarify your own wishes and demands and listen to what your partner is saying. The goal is to truly understand what the other person wants or who your partner is deep down so you can allow and accept their influence and reach a compromise.
3. Accept the Other Person's Influence: Recognize that the other person has good ideas and that their opinions matter to you. Show respect for their opinions and allow their ideas to influence you.
4. Reach a Compromise: It’s never a perfect feeling, but it’s important to feel understood, respected and supported while seeking common ground. Each person gains something and loses something.
5. De-Escalate the Atmosphere: If the other person starts to defend themselves or build a wall of silence, it’s important to de-escalate by clearly saying: "I’m sorry if I hurt you; that wasn’t my intention, but I would like you to hear my perspective...". Or, for example: "I think we misunderstood each other; let me explain in different words...". This way, try to regain your conversation partner’s attention and show your willingness to engage in dialogue.
6. Self-Soothing: Excitement is a part of every conflict, and it’s important to calm yourself and take care of yourself. Go for a walk, take a bath, or find a quiet place where you can breathe deeply and center yourself again.
Conflicts are part of life, and it’s useful to learn to deal with them in a constructive and healthy way, recognizing them as an opportunity to learn, grow, and live fully.
Written by Nataša Berdnik, a Gestalt psychotherapist.